Trump Picks Elon Musk For Vice President

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Donald Trump selected CleanTechnica headquarters in stunning downtown Burbank to announce his working mate on this yr’s election. “You guys are doing an awesome job — AWESOME JOB!” he advised government editor and normal factotum Zachary Shahan when he known as to schedule his announcement. It simply so occurs CleanTechnica’s convention room is on the forty seventh ground. “I looked all over — ALL OVER — for a place on the 47th floor where I could announce my vice president. When I get elected in November, I will be the 47th president of the United States, so the number 47 is very important to me — VERY IMPORTANT!” Then he hung up.

On the appointed day on the appointed hour — precisely 47 minutes after 3 o’clock — Trump stepped off the freight elevator with 47 different individuals — 12 Secret Service brokers, 20 staffers, and 15 sycophants hoping to get a presidential pardon. What with all of the jostling that passed off, the good man’s tangerine tinted comb-over had slipped a bit, so we needed to wait whereas two hair stylists adjusted it and added some cement wash to maintain it in place.

Then he stepped into the convention room and mentioned loudly, “What a dump! The guest bathrooms at Mar-A-Lago are bigger than this. That’s where I keep the nuclear codes, you know. I wonder if they changed them since I left the Offal Office? My 300,000 square foot apartment in Trump Tower makes this place look sick.”

One of many staffers promptly produced two Massive Macs, a big order of fries, and a chocolate milk shake. “Get a photo of me holding all this so people can see I have really, really big fingers,” he mentioned with a sly grin. When he was accomplished packing all of it in, he stepped to the rostrum and mentioned, “I’m here today to announce that Elon Musk will be my running mate this year.” Elon himself then slipped into the room by means of a facet door and the 2 males raised their fingers collectively and grinned like they had been on the set of Dumb and Dumber whereas the sycophants cheered.

Zachary mentioned, “Umm, sir, you know that Elon can’t be your vice president because he is not a native born citizen of the United States, right?” Trump reached into his pocket and pulled out a Sharpie. “That’s not a problem. Constitutions are for suckers. As soon as I’m back in the Offal, I’m gonna rewrite it to say I can have anyone I want as my vice president. If I can control hurricanes with this,” he mentioned, waving the Sharpie within the air, “I can management the Structure. It’s so old-fashioned, it wants updating anyway.

“While I’m at it, I’m gonna eliminate that two term nonsense. America needs a stable genius like me running things. Putin has been on the job for 24 years and he’s done a great job making Russia what it is today. That guy in Jerusalem, Notayahoo, has been in power for 16 years. Just imagine what I could do if I ran America for that long? We would have lots more billionaires, that’s for sure.” Elon took a sip of ketamine and smiled like Alfred E. Neuman.

Trump & The EV Revolution

“Sir?” Zachary mentioned. “You have said you are opposed to electric cars, but Elon runs one of the biggest electric car makers in the world. Have you two talked about that?” Trump took a sip of bleach, patted his hair, and mentioned, “Electrical automobiles? They kill all of the birds. ALL THE BIRDS! Elon and I’ve a deal. It’s straightforward to make offers. I do it on a regular basis. I’ve made 14 offers already as we speak. I can’t cease making offers I’m so good at it.

“Elon gets to make all the electric cars he wants, but he has to sell them in other countries. The cars Tesla sells in America will have a good old fashioned gasoline engine in the frunk. That stuff about carbon emissions? That’s junk science. Fake News. Trees and plants need carbon dioxide. Mighty maples from tiny acorns grow. My father taught me that.”

“I think you might be confused, sir,” Zachary mentioned. “Marla Maples was your second wife. It’s oak trees that grow from acorns.” Trump appeared befuddled. “I was married to Marla Maples? When did that happen? Why was I not informed?” He turned to considered one of his flunkies. “It’s your job to stay on top of who I married and when. You know I can’t tell them all apart.” The flunky slunk off to examine on one thing. Musk simply nodded and smiled.

“Simply so you understand, I’m going to ban electric cars in America and rip out all these chargers Joe Biden put in. They kill all of the birds, all of the birds. I’m gonna dispose of that Inflation Discount Act on Day One — DAY ONE! I’ll substitute it with a $10,000 incentive for automobiles and vans that weigh greater than 10,000 kilos and value greater than $100,000. That’s what we have to make America nice once more.

“That’s what my mates within the auto trade requested me to do and I at all times maintain my mates — particularly if they provide me cash. I’m gonna name it the Rollin’ Coal Act. Mike Johnson has all of it teed up within the Home and he says he’ll move it simply as quickly as I inform him to. I’m gonna name him on Day One — DAY ONE! — as soon as I’m again within the Offal.

“I told Elon I would ban all other car companies so he would have a monopoly in the US. And I’ll put a $50,000 tariff on all those electric cars from China. We’re not going to have a bunch of Chinese cars running around taking videos for Xi Jinping. Trade wars are easy to win. I proved it the last time I was president and I will prove it again. Xi and his cronies will be begging for mercy by the time I get through with them. I’m gonna put the hurt on those guys bigly.”

“What about that?” Zachary requested, turning to Musk with a “say it isn’t so” look on his face. “Fine by me,” Elon mentioned. “I got mine, brother. Too bad about all you other suckers.” Trump smiled at his presumptive vp, ate a fistful of fries, and took one other sip of bleach.

“Elon is a very smart guy. He’s bigly intelligent,” the disgraced former president mentioned on Fact Social, which is valued at two trillion {dollars} as of as we speak. “He can make rockets fly backwards, which is exactly what America needs. If the Russians fire long range missiles at us, Elon will make them fly right back where they came from and blow up the Kremlin. I hope my good friend Vlad The Impaler isn’t home when that happens,” he added.

Requested who else he thought-about for vp, Trump mentioned Alex Jones was excessive on his listing, together with Mike Lindell, the My Pillow man. “I admire Alex a lot for the way he made billions lying about the Sandy Hook massacre. Wish I had thought of that. I need all the money I can get to fight back against crooked judges, crooked prosecutors, crooked juries, crooked appeals courts, and crooked politicians. Thank God I have six Supreme Court stooges — umm, judges — in my pocket. Otherwise I would be in jail instead of the Offal Office,” he mentioned as he wrapped himself in an enormous American flag and grinned like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

“I considered Tucker Carlson, but, jeeze, did you see that interview he did with Putin? That was pathetic. Even Ronna McDaniel wouldn’t stoop that low. Ron DeSantis called me up and wanted to be on the ticket but can you imagine anyone voting for someone like that? He looks like an immigrant and my supporters want nothing to do with immigrants. They’re all cannibals and murderers, every one of them, except for most of my wives and all their relatives I got into the country when nobody was looking.”

Then Trump wrapped himself in a second American flag and mentioned, “I do know a factor or two about crooks. I’m one myself, in order that makes me actually good, not a sucker like all of the tens of millions of people that watched The Apprentice and thought it was actual. Once I get again within the Offal Workplace, on Day One — DAY ONE! — I’ll make Fox Information the official information outlet for the US authorities. I’m additionally going to ban the New York Occasionsthe Washington Put up, AP, NBC, CBS, and all the opposite scum who’ve been telling lies to the American individuals.

“From Day One — DAY ONE — Lachlan Murdoch will be in charge of all news in the United States and I am thinking seriously about giving Rupert Murdoch the Medal of Freedom. I might give one to Orban and Kim Il Jong, too. Those guys have done such great things for their countries.  Oh, and Louis DeJoy. He has done a heck of a job screwing up the post office. I think he deserves to be Secretary of State. Just watch all those snobs like Macron when they have to sit down with Louie. They’ll be singing out of the other side of their mouths when he gets done with them.”

Trump/Musk 2024

The magalomaniac from Mar-A-Lago swilled a Food regimen Coke whereas he wolfed down one other Massive Mac. “I like anything big,” he mentioned. “I’m a very stable genius with very big hands and fingers. Have you noticed?” he requested as he waved his pudgy little digits about. “Everything about me is big. I am the most popular person of all time. The Pope? He’s got nothing on me. I am adored by everyone on Earth. There will be a billion people at my inauguration. The crowd will be so big, you’ll be able to see if from outer space.”

Subsequent, the serial philanderer advised how he and Musk will change into fabulously rich by merging their social media channels. “We’re gonna call it TruthX,” he mentioned. “Elon’s gonna get everybody on the earth to observe me. It’s gonna make that Sucker Man appear to be a chump. After we get accomplished, I’ll have ten billion followers who cling on my each phrase. They are going to all get up each morning to a publish from me about how immigrants are sucking the blood from American patriots.

“We’re gonna construct a wall 100 ft excessive out of unsold Tesla Cybertrucks. May as effectively put them to good use fairly than leaving them out to rust behind the Gigafactory in Austin. Let’s see all these rapists and murders attempt to get into the nation although all that ballistic-grade chrome steel and bullet proof glass! Hah! It’s gonna be such a present. I can promote tickets to pay for all my attorneys.

“Maybe I’ll sell some basketball shoes with the American flag embossed into the soles. Yeah. And some Bibles that just have the Old Testament, the one that has all that stuff about an angry, punishing God. We need more righteous indignation, none of this woke ‘turn the other cheek, love your neighbor’ fake religion. My supporters want to be part of the End Times and I am going to see they get a chance to do it.”

What Will Musk Do?

A number of the reporters available requested what Musk’s position could be within the new administration. “Nothing,” Trump mentioned. “Everyone knows the vice president doesn’t actually do anything, so Elon will be free to micro-dose and run his 574 companies just like he does now. And when it’s time for him to be president eight years from now after I amend the Constitution on Day One — DAY ONE! — I will really be running the show just the way Dick Cheney did so Elon can go right on doing what he always has — fathering as many children as possible to colonize Mars.”

“But, sir,” Zachary mentioned. “If you are president and/or vice president for 16 more years, you will be 94 years old when you leave office. Will you retire then?” Trump paused a beat after which mentioned, “Jared and Ivanka will take over then, and when they are done 16 years later, Baron will take over. There will be Trump in the Offal Office until at least 2072. Is this a great country or what?”

When you mentioned, “or what,” go to the pinnacle of the category.